Empty.  That’s what I feel.  Un….whole.  Not…..peaceful.  Bored?  Yeah, maybe.  Been learning a lot about me on this journey,  not necessarily things that I didn’t know but confirmations of things I suspected or things that seem to be getting clearer.  Recently a new friend turned me on to an Aussie band – Boy & Bear – and I’ve been listening to them on iTunes radio and all these other alternative bands that I don’t know – and it’s just great music.  Music is definitely what saves me. Don’t choke on your food – yes, I need saving.  I know I’m in paradise, but what exactly is paradise?  Is it a geographical destination?  Or is it an emotional place that you find?  Yes, and yes.  So, yes, I’m in geographical paradise.  But honestly, I’m not feeling that “holy shit, I wanna die here” feeling.  And because I’m such an aware person, I know it’s because I’m alone.  I’m really fine being alone most of the time. I actually really enjoy being alone a lot of the time.  Prefer it, actually. But there’s been a constant undercurrent throughout my whole single life…that I don’t believe I am meant to be on my own and I want, so badly, to find that person to share life with.  An old friend of mine that I’ve known since high school recently said to me “I wish I had your life”, and I responded, “Really? Because I wish I had yours.”  He couldn’t imagine why I would trade places with him.  Looks like I’ve got it all, right?  I’m traveling the world, to all these amazing destinations, seeing things I’ve never seen and always wanted to.  And yes, that is Amazing with a capital A.  But you know what he has that I don’t?  Love.  A partner.  Someone to share life with.  The good and bad. Someone to sleep with at night.  To listen to them breathe.  To wake up with and smile – or not, as often is the case.  But when I got divorced, I knew I was not meant to be single.  I love to love.  I want to share.  I am happy as a couple.  I want to be a part of something bigger than myself.  I miss, terribly,  having someone to love, and as I write this, I am looking out at the most beautiful scenery I could imagine being in and I know, as Jennie always says, “Wherever you go, there you are”.  Those words have haunted me since before I took this trip.  Because it’s still me, just in this new exotic place. And then what?  Yes, OF COURSE I appreciate it, make the most of it, learn, enjoy, yada yada yada…but when I’m not feeling that peace then I know I need to do some digging.  When the Beatles sung “Love is all you need”, they seemed to hit the hammer on the head. Alternatively,  I have said and have truly believed “love is not enough”.  I said it to my ex-husband when our marriage was nearing it’s end and I realized love wasn’t going to solve our problems. I said it to my ex-boyfriend who loved me like no other, but had a serious alcohol addiction among other things. So what is it.  What is it that I need and want?  I am well aware no one is perfect, and I am at the top of that list.   And I am also aware that I will most likely NOT get what I want, but still there is the wish list and I would love the opportunity to meet someone who made my heart skip a beat and made me consider which things I can live with.  I want, simply, someone to love, to laugh with , someone strong enough to lean on and to trust.  I want someone to love me back, who thinks I’m the shit, who is honest and loyal, who is intelligent, has integrity, and who will grow with me and be my partner through this jungle called life.  I’m not writing my dating profile here, I’m just saying, why is it so fucking hard to find this person???  I am here in “paradise” and it feels like a waste of money to have paid for this view if I can’t share it with someone.  OK, I know I’m putting this out there and sharing it all with all of you – and thank god for you!!  Because what would I do if I had no one to share my thoughts with???  Just the fact that you’re interested in reading this is enough for me, for now, and don’t feel compelled to “solve” or “fix” my mood.  It’s important to feel. So that’s what I’m doing. Listening to “A song for you” by Boy & Bear – making me sad.   I leave tomorrow morning for a 3 day, 2 night sail around the Whitsundays – the most gorgeous beaches I have ever seen in my life, and I don’t want to feel empty.  There will be 14 people on this schooner and I am assured to be happier just to be around people.  Will “he” be there?  I’m always hopeful but know better than to put too much of a wager on it.  I think I’m gonna skip New Zealand, because the stress of planning another  8-day adventure alone isn’t feeling right to me.  Instead I’m gonna head straight for Bali and get settled, like I did in Sydney, and meet people – locals, or travelers, but at least get grounded.  I am always happier when I’m grounded. I’m planning on staying there for 7 weeks and then heading to Italy mid-March. Thanks for helping me straighten that out, at least.  Direction is important!  And thanks for letting me drone on.  I know you didn’t actually have much to do with “letting” me, but if you’re still reading this, you should pat yourself on the back for being a good friend and just listening. Sometimes that’s what good friends do, and it’s worth everything.  Smiling again, as I take another sip of wine and watch the darkness throw it’s cape over paradise.

View from my dipping pool toward Shute Harbour

The view from inside

Airlie Beach

Airlie Beach

The Lagoon at Airlie Beach

Sun getting lower

Paradise?